Monday, November 21, 2011

Interviewing for a job

A few years ago, I interviewed for a position with a local cable company. Rather than piss you off with my own shitty recollection, I share with you the transcript of the audio recording I secretly took. Some phrases have been edited for clarity.

INTERVIEWER: Thank you for applying with us.
GURUCHILD: Good luck.
INTERVIEWER: ... I beg your pardon?
GURUCHILD: I mean hello.
INTERVIEWER: ... Okay, so, your resume looks great. I'd like to talk with you now about your priorities. Where do you see yourself in our company?
GURUCHILD: In an office.
INTERVIEWER: Why an office?
GURUCHILD: Because I'm an office manager. You know that because you read my resume, and remarked that it was great.
INTERVIEWER: Of course. But I'd like to get a sense of what you have to offer us... as... an office manager. *smirks*
GURUCHILD: Uhm... an office manager. I manage an office...
INTERVIEWER: What... do you do in the office?
GURUCHILD: I manage it.
INTERVIEWER: ... What... the... uh... what exactly do you manage in the office? What do you do? What are your tasks at work?
GURUCHILD: I manage the office, I browse the internet, sip my coffee, take calls, shuffle papers, you know... office management stuff. I know what I'm doing.
INTERVIEWER: *long pause* What would happen, let's say, if you needed to print a document, and there was a problem with the printer. What would you do then?
GURUCHILD: Call... well, whoever it is you people call when things break.
INTERVIEWER: That's not very good management. We... *looks at my resume intently for a few seconds* Okay, you say here that you worked in the late 90s for two separate, now defunct companies and can list no reference nor prove you ever even worked for either company.
GURUCHILD: Mhh hmm...
INTERVIEWER: And for the last 10 years, you've done what?
GURUCHILD: Managed an office!
INTERVIEWER: ... Look, this isn't going to work out. We have your information on file, and if we decide to bring you aboard, we'll give you a call. *stands up and extends hand*
GURUCHILD: So... when can I start?
INTERVIEWER: We'll let you know.
INTERVIEWER: When we know.
GURUCHILD: Do you know anything?
INTERVIEWER: Pl... uh... please leave.
GURUCHILD: How sweet. *leaves*

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