Wednesday, March 21, 2012

What's the smallest thing in the universe?

Trick question.

The 'smallest thing in the universe' is an undefinable, imaginary concept. Most sources quote that quarks are the smallest known objects in the universe, and others postulate theories in which smaller objects may exist.

Beyond this, lies the magical zone between the mortal barrier of perceptibility, and the next generation of universe in all its original vastness. Our lives mimic the life cycle of the universe because we are entwined with it.

In a perverse way, it makes sense. And yet, you can never devise any sort of test to prove it. It is a religion all to itself.

Or, does a deity reside within this magical, unseen, postulated area of reality? Some sort of resemblance to an actual earthly religion's description? I don't know.


You can see things smaller and smaller until something in a place you can't see becomes as large as the whole universe. I don't know.

Getting trolled by big corporations

Time is money.

This fact is proven and inarguable.

The coupons you waste time clipping, filing, organizing, saving, and using. You're being trolled, because if you used that time more effectively, you'd save more money.

Go ahead, do the math.

I know you fucking idiots love math because you carry calculators. It also tells me you waste time reading stupid shit that is mostly filled with ads anyway. Paying more for less time is always a bargain. Paying full price in 5 minutes usually beats paying a discounted price for 5 hours of work. If you weren't on welfare, and had to actually spend less than 100% of your time being off work, you might learn that.

Those guarantees on the back of all the stupid, cheap, low-cost items you buy?

They're worse than worthless.

Just because you want to be a stubborn cunt and return a 99 cent bag of chips because YOU believe they were "stale" after you opened them on March 1st and just now got around to eating the rest of them. Guess what, moron? All that time you wasted getting trolled by a stupid fucking trollbait company's worthless guarantee to return some piece of shit item and piss off some poor customer service rep? You're the one losing money.

Those people get paid to put up with your stupid idiotic bullshit.

Again, I urge you to do the math. If you were the one working customer service instead of being trolled by corporations, you'd come out ahead.

Either way, you're a worthless sack of shit who isn't doing me any good. I have no criminal record, but there is nothing and certainly no law preventing me from starting the killings at any time.

This is why terrorism is so successful.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

How to poop without fucking up your life

Everybody poops. Some do it with pain. Some die while pooping. You will want to avoid death by poop like so many others haven't!


1. Lubricate your pooper well. Use petroleum jelly, anti-bacterial zinc ointment, or eczema cream. (May be difficult if turds or leaky farts have already begun turtleheading or prairie-dogging out the back door. If this happens, record a detailed video and call 911 immediately. Tell the operator that a terrorist attack has occurred on your ass.)

2. Whatever you do, don't force the poop out. Sit down on the toilet gently, naturally, and patiently. Let your body and nature take their course. Allowing the bum muscles to do their thing will help avoid any unnecessary tearing, and will allow the poop to slide out doing minimal damage.

3. Clean yourself up immediately after dropping your deposit into the porcelain bank! The longer the feces has to infest your sore butt and give you cancer and AIDS, the harder it will try. Hypoallergenic moist wipies are best, followed by a gentle pat-dry with soft plain tissues or toilet paper.


* If you have open sores on your back door trap, and they don't get better or go away after following this guide, then you may have cancer. Just kidding. The possibility exists, but you must see a doctor or three before you'll get anywhere.

* Don't overdo it! Excessive cleaning measures will make the condition much worse.

* Don't turtlehead a turd for 3 days and then wonder why your southern focus is wrecked beyond belief. Follow the steps above and get this issue taken care of immediately.

* See a doctor. Maybe the last thing in the world you would do, but being sent to the hospital unconscious might force you into a much worse situation.

* Keep your bum clean. Take regular showers, but don't overdo it, and don't scrub the afflicted region too hard. These can make it worse.

* After a shower, and after you've dried off completely, apply petroleum jelly, antibacterial zinc ointment, or eczema cream to the afflicted area before it becomes worse. Prevention is the best strategy. If you are on the mend but not out of the woods, this tip is crucial.

* Consider a humidifier. Cold, dry winter months tend to excacerbate all skin conditions.


If you see blood clots, blood in the poop itself, or if pooping becomes too excruciating to handle by yourself, seek the help of a medical professional. There are many fine nurse practitioners and doctors out there in clinics and hospitals who deal with far worse on a daily basis, and they can help you.

I originally posted this article on WikiHow, but it'll most likely be deleted by an Indian with a penchant for do-gooding and overzealous bullshittery. Amen.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Birds are more advanced than us...

Birds grow their own waterproof clothes, they communicate to each other in languages we are a long way from cracking, they can count, they can use tools, and many of them are highly adaptable to human environments. Oh, and THEY CAN FUCKING FLY.

Why hasn't anyone else noticed this before?