Saturday, November 26, 2011

Girls, phones, and pedophiles

To the girls

Yes, keep looking at your phone. Don't look at me. Very good... keep walking and pay no attention to the drooling pedophile that is eye-raping regions of your body that you have not even explored yet.

Their heads buried in their phones, they wander aimlessly around the mall, the supermarket, and all the local spots. Completely lost in a reality far removed from the only real one. The one with real pedophiles, who pose a real danger, who stalk and plot in real-time, just feet away from you. No, you will not know one when you see one. And how can you, if you never bother to look?

To the pedophiles

Ignore the ones with their phones safely stowed, as per unwritten instruction, in their tightjeans back pocket. Focus on the ones mashing tiny thumb buttons, lost in their fashion magazine alternate reality. They stray easily. They're slow, disoriented, and disconnected. Easy prey.

I'm definitely not a pedophile. I sincerely apologize to anyone who may have been misled, but I'm making an entirely different point.

About the phones

Pay attention to your surroundings.

Lost as you may be in your happy fun teenaged world of internet phone godlikeness, your physical life and physical body exist in a world that is very much like the hell you think of in your fantasy internet delusion.

Be aware of people who will exploit all of your weaknesses and at least, take advantage of you. At worst, they'll kill you. Maybe after more torment, agony, and breakdown than you have ever known.

Pop your fucking head up and figure out what the fuck you're doing, because from what I've seen, I'm only surprised there aren't more teenagers raped and killed. I said raped and killed, and I fucking meant it.

Think of me as Cecil in Final Fantasy IV. I am one born of the dragon, bearing the darkness and light. I choose good. I know bad. I fly through the Internet, armed with the truth. Wake the fuck up and save yourself.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Bullet Dodging

I've often thought about the exciting and dangerous ability of a human being to dodge firearm projectiles with any hint of skill.

Rather than focusing on the vast array of complexities in scenarios where bullet dodging would be necessary, I'm going to focus on the specifics of the skill itself. Now, I know you aren't going to recall vast amounts of ordered information in a dire situation such as being shot at, so I'll be brief as possible.

First, what is needed to employ this skill?
  • someone about to shoot you
  • high agility and control
  • extreme mental fortitude
  • good footwear
  • good eyesight
And there are undoubtedly more. Obviously, not just any fucktarded sack of shit could walk into something like bullet dodging and escape an epic fail, so I'll speak to the svelte and witted few who are reading this.

Why the fuck would anyone want to do this?

I can think of a few good reasons.
  • could save your life
  • highly challenging
  • is fucking awesome
It wouldn't be intelligent to ignore the cons.
  • could easily do nothing to save your life
  • almost impossible to learn from mistakes
  • highly challenging
Obviously, once aim is set and the trigger is engaged, there's nothing you can do to change your fate. You might react fast enough to alter the course by a few nanometers, and perhaps some fag scientist will pop off with some better information on that.

What you can change is your reaction before the trigger is engaged.

How to play a player

This is where people skills come into play. As I illustrated before, dodging bullets has almost nothing to do with actual bullet dodging. The key is to read your shooter, and react to his physical cues. While a guaranteed dodge is impossible, anything you can do to improve your chances of survival is priceless information.

Watch his aim!

Pay attention to where he is aiming. Read his body language with your natural instincts. When you know he is about to shoot, dodge to either side with all you've got once you see his trigger finger begin to squeeze. Try to land in a position you can easily attempt another evasion from. Do everything you can to find cover or escape with each dodge, and be sure to mentally note the number of successful dodges you achieve, because that shit is fucking godlike bragging rights.


I finally understand.

Republicans want 19 people to have 180 billion dollars while everyone else has nothing.

Democrats want everyone to have just barely more than nothing. Except politicians, of course.

Independents are just idiots.

Third party people are even bigger idiots.

Giving "power" to the people was a brilliant move by the founders... now everyone has one useless vote and no power.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Background radiation

The danger in socially interacting with the Internet as humans lies in that it depends entirely upon our physical presence and attention.

Technology is improving. People are not.

There are more people suffering now than ever before. Billions of them. Billions of lives. Individual experiences, each reflecting your ability to have your own experiences. Not one of these people deserves to suffer.

There are many doomsday scenarios involving the conquering of our world by machines and computers. This prophecy will come true.

It seems everyone on earth does have a common goal. We dutifully aim to create and support the next apex of the food chain. A botnet consuming vast power will generate and broadcast millions of fuckabytes of useless, chaotic, random data and flood the universe with garbage at our expense.

I've often wondered what "background radiation" really is...

Religious bullshit

I rely on my brain to create my world. This remarkable organ collapses the chaotic universe within my existence into models and symbols that make sense to me. Through my studies in art, I have learned that the brain is always right. It tells me when something is wrong, false, or imperfect. Through my decades of rumination, I have come to understand certain undeniable truths.

There is no singular, absolute universe. Consciousness is the creation of a single universe, by a single being, within the sea of entwined universes. This is the collective conscious experience of all sentient beings. Humans are not the only beings capable of this feat as several animal species, such as chimpanzees, dolphins, elephants, and crows are indeed sentient. Such beings, and possibly many others, have brains which are complex enough to reach a theoretical threshold for collapsing the ambient multiverse of existence into a unique personal instance; the conscious.

In similar manner, sentient brains create God. This maligned concept is the source of all human love and hate. God is not singular. It is created by all who conceptualize its existence within their own tangle of the overall entwinement. God is pure love because it is not only incapable of hate, but absolutely immune to it. Anyone who claims anything against this revelation of truth is wrong. No belief or religious concept can defeat this truth. You will know this for yourself if you've discovered it within yourself, as I have for myself.

Humans create hatred, evil, misunderstanding, and all sources of a hell that, much like God, have been largely maligned by sentient minds. No God of pure love would create eternal punishment for those who did not discover the truth about love during their lifetime because death is the eternal heaven of pure bliss. Many scores of beings have sought to achieve a lasting bliss in life on earth. Sadly, this impossible objective can only be achieved in the bliss that is death.

Think about it...

Monday, November 21, 2011

Interviewing for a job

A few years ago, I interviewed for a position with a local cable company. Rather than piss you off with my own shitty recollection, I share with you the transcript of the audio recording I secretly took. Some phrases have been edited for clarity.

INTERVIEWER: Thank you for applying with us.
GURUCHILD: Good luck.
INTERVIEWER: ... I beg your pardon?
GURUCHILD: I mean hello.
INTERVIEWER: ... Okay, so, your resume looks great. I'd like to talk with you now about your priorities. Where do you see yourself in our company?
GURUCHILD: In an office.
INTERVIEWER: Why an office?
GURUCHILD: Because I'm an office manager. You know that because you read my resume, and remarked that it was great.
INTERVIEWER: Of course. But I'd like to get a sense of what you have to offer us... as... an office manager. *smirks*
GURUCHILD: Uhm... an office manager. I manage an office...
INTERVIEWER: What... do you do in the office?
GURUCHILD: I manage it.
INTERVIEWER: ... What... the... uh... what exactly do you manage in the office? What do you do? What are your tasks at work?
GURUCHILD: I manage the office, I browse the internet, sip my coffee, take calls, shuffle papers, you know... office management stuff. I know what I'm doing.
INTERVIEWER: *long pause* What would happen, let's say, if you needed to print a document, and there was a problem with the printer. What would you do then?
GURUCHILD: Call... well, whoever it is you people call when things break.
INTERVIEWER: That's not very good management. We... *looks at my resume intently for a few seconds* Okay, you say here that you worked in the late 90s for two separate, now defunct companies and can list no reference nor prove you ever even worked for either company.
GURUCHILD: Mhh hmm...
INTERVIEWER: And for the last 10 years, you've done what?
GURUCHILD: Managed an office!
INTERVIEWER: ... Look, this isn't going to work out. We have your information on file, and if we decide to bring you aboard, we'll give you a call. *stands up and extends hand*
GURUCHILD: So... when can I start?
INTERVIEWER: We'll let you know.
INTERVIEWER: When we know.
GURUCHILD: Do you know anything?
INTERVIEWER: Pl... uh... please leave.
GURUCHILD: How sweet. *leaves*

Wikipedia fundraiser

A letter I sent to today:

I like wikipedia. I use it often, and I've learned much from using it over the years. I've even pitched in a minor correction or fixed a typo on occasion. For those, I thank your organization.

Now for the unsavory part, to be fair.

Asking to raise $17.5 million by year's end, for what? I've seen this before.

Carefully disguised in a bunch of fluffy words and pages and dishonest pleas, you almost cover up your greed... almost. Searching out the information to verify that what I suspected was true, I found it on the Frequently Asked Questions page...

I saw the pictures of your employees. Bunch of young, pretty, well-to-do types. Don't do anything, just sit around in an office, shuffling papers and clicking links, making appearances at useless events when summoned. Yeah, yeah.

Well let me tell you pompous, gall-saturated, mindless lemmings something. I literally work my ass off. I work full time, often overtime, and I still cannot pay for all the basic necessities in life. I'm not talking about cell phone service or internet, either. I'm talking about rent, electric, and food.

Give you people millions of dollars to do what thousands could do. I've never ran the world's #5 site, but I have ran the world's #1000 site. Before you start smirking and sipping your overpriced coffee in smug superiority, I have one word for you: scalability. I know how much money you need to run your operation, I know how much power and bandwidth you need. You lie to the very people you're stealing money from! "Oh, our site is so big, it's so complex, we have this many servers and this many people to run it all, its so big, it costs so much, we are scared of ads!"

BULLSHIT! Bullshit, bullshit, BULLSHIT!

So how much do you make to be a whining, email-trashing waste of space?



Sunday, November 20, 2011

Utopian dystopia

This fucking world pisses me off so badly that I just want to sneak out at night and start ripping up any unsuspecting people I find with various machinery.

Nearly everything humans do is WRONG. From the global level down to local, everything these fucking idiots do is harmful. They hurt themselves, their families, their friends, society, and humanity through their mindless toilings during their meaningless lives.

We are not progressing towards utopia. We are already living in a hellish world, propogating our stupidity and perpetually raising the bar of human suffering to exponential heights. We are spiraling downward further still.

Instead of trudging along in a barbaric world of massive oil rapeage, performing our stupid traditions, mentally devoid, performing all the daily tasks that make our lives, we should be doing something important. Something good.

Utopia exists. It is a world in my mind, and I have learned much of this realm by the omnipresence of a very opposite world; Earth. Opposites create one another.

Perhaps the most surprising thing I've learned is that we can be a world with high technology and old-time ideals and values of respecting all forms of life, the land, the air, and the water.

We can do it all without government. We did, for thousands of years before history came along. The reason why this system failed is because utopia is realized only the second time around. Tribes and groups began to encounter one another. Lack of centralization or higher authorities caused chaos and death. Isolated tribes fell out of the industrial revolution loop, and "fell behind."

This is where we all began to fall behind. Misguided by illusions created by the art of industry and the almighty dollar.

Some of us are awake now. I see utopia in my mind, therefore it is real. I have no optimism for you fucking sheep, but I hold on to all that I have.

My friend, Thomas

Let me tell you about my friend, Thomas Gandhi.

Thomas has severe bathroom disorders, several minor retardations, and severe social dysfunction. Everything he says and does involves shit, anuses, rectums, or bathroom "activities."

He is, however, a highly gifted clairvoyant. This strange ability leads to my next segment...

Thomas: "Guruchild roasts his pubic hairs into an ash pile and uses it as seasoning"

I've never told Thomas that I use my pubic hair ashes for seasoning. There is no way he could have learned this fact. This leads to one possible conclusion: Thomas also roasts his pubic hairs into an ash pile and uses it as seasoning!

This is bullshit. I can't even enjoy my own ass potatoes, or pubic rice anymore, knowing this fucker is out there, spicing up his meals with his own burnt pubic hair.

I would say peace out here, but I hate almost everyone, especially you.