How to poop without fucking up your life

Everybody poops. Some do it with pain. Some die while pooping. You will want to avoid death by poop like so many others haven't!

STEPS

1. Lubricate your pooper well. Use petroleum jelly, anti-bacterial zinc ointment, or eczema cream. (May be difficult if turds or leaky farts have already begun turtleheading or prairie-dogging out the back door. If this happens, record a detailed video and call 911 immediately. Tell the operator that a terrorist attack has occurred on your ass.)

2. Whatever you do, don't force the poop out. Sit down on the toilet gently, naturally, and patiently. Let your body and nature take their course. Allowing the bum muscles to do their thing will help avoid any unnecessary tearing, and will allow the poop to slide out doing minimal damage.

3. Clean yourself up immediately after dropping your deposit into the porcelain bank! The longer the feces has to infest your sore butt and give you cancer and AIDS, the harder it will try. Hypoallergenic moist wipies are best, followed by a gentle pat-dry with soft plain tissues or toilet paper.

TIPS

* If you have open sores on your back door trap, and they don't get better or go away after following this guide, then you may have cancer. Just kidding. The possibility exists, but you must see a doctor or three before you'll get anywhere.

* Don't overdo it! Excessive cleaning measures will make the condition much worse.

* Don't turtlehead a turd for 3 days and then wonder why your southern focus is wrecked beyond belief. Follow the steps above and get this issue taken care of immediately.

* See a doctor. Maybe the last thing in the world you would do, but being sent to the hospital unconscious might force you into a much worse situation.

* Keep your bum clean. Take regular showers, but don't overdo it, and don't scrub the afflicted region too hard. These can make it worse.

* After a shower, and after you've dried off completely, apply petroleum jelly, antibacterial zinc ointment, or eczema cream to the afflicted area before it becomes worse. Prevention is the best strategy. If you are on the mend but not out of the woods, this tip is crucial.

* Consider a humidifier. Cold, dry winter months tend to excacerbate all skin conditions.

WARNINGS

If you see blood clots, blood in the poop itself, or if pooping becomes too excruciating to handle by yourself, seek the help of a medical professional. There are many fine nurse practitioners and doctors out there in clinics and hospitals who deal with far worse on a daily basis, and they can help you.

I originally posted this article on WikiHow, but it'll most likely be deleted by an Indian with a penchant for do-gooding and overzealous bullshittery. Amen.

Birds are more advanced than us...

Birds grow their own waterproof clothes, they communicate to each other in languages we are a long way from cracking, they can count, they can use tools, and many of them are highly adaptable to human environments. Oh, and THEY CAN FUCKING FLY.

Why hasn't anyone else noticed this before?

Solving common password annoyances

So these days, you have to register an account with every single fucking thing you do online. Understandable, by itself, a mildly annoying side effect of a digital world.

But wait. You must choose a password. It must be between 6 and 14 characters, have 1 letter and 1 number, 1 upper case and 1 lower case letter, must be 24 characters long, must not contain a word, must be changed again in 45 minutes, and no special characters.

What the fuck?

So, unless your IQ is 185, you're going to devise your own insecure means by which to remember these passwords, such as writing them down or saving them into a file. Wow, that's fucking secure as shit! Great programming! Stupid mother fucking idiots...

I'm not going to take full credit for what I'm about to tell you, but I'd be wrong not to share this. You don't need passwords that are impossible to remember. You don't need 1000 rules a password must follow. Which makes it far less secure by eliminating possibilities anyway, fucknards. You don't need a special card with all your life's passwords written on it. What you need is a simple solution.

Great yarn joust chemical.

Say what? That's an example of a password or, more precisely, a passphrase that is very secure and easy to remember. Take 3-5 random words, string them together, and you just created a password that maximizes security with remembrance.

Unfortunately, most sites enforce ridiculous password rules, and prevent registrants from selecting such eloquent passwords.

So, go out there and light a fire under their asses and tell them to wisen the fuck up.

Bullet Dodging

I've often thought about the exciting and dangerous ability of a human being to dodge firearm projectiles with any hint of skill.

Rather than focusing on the vast array of complexities in scenarios where bullet dodging would be necessary, I'm going to focus on the specifics of the skill itself. Now, I know you aren't going to recall vast amounts of ordered information in a dire situation such as being shot at, so I'll be brief as possible.

First, what is needed to employ this skill?

• someone about to shoot you
• high agility and control
• extreme mental fortitude
• good footwear
• good eyesight

And there are undoubtedly more. Obviously, not just any fucktarded sack of shit could walk into something like bullet dodging and escape an epic fail, so I'll speak to the svelte and witted few who are reading this.

Why the fuck would anyone want to do this?

I can think of a few good reasons.

• could save your life
• highly challenging
• is fucking awesome

It wouldn't be intelligent to ignore the cons.

• could easily do nothing to save your life
• almost impossible to learn from mistakes
• highly challenging

Obviously, once aim is set and the trigger is engaged, there's nothing you can do to change your fate. You might react fast enough to alter the course by a few nanometers, and perhaps some fag scientist will pop off with some better information on that.

What you can change is your reaction before the trigger is engaged.

How to play a player

This is where people skills come into play. As I illustrated before, dodging bullets has almost nothing to do with actual bullet dodging. The key is to read your shooter, and react to his physical cues. While a guaranteed dodge is impossible, anything you can do to improve your chances of survival is priceless information.

Watch his aim!

Pay attention to where he is aiming. Read his body language with your natural instincts. When you know he is about to shoot, dodge to either side with all you've got once you see his trigger finger begin to squeeze. Try to land in a position you can easily attempt another evasion from. Do everything you can to find cover or escape with each dodge, and be sure to mentally note the number of successful dodges you achieve, because that shit is fucking godlike bragging rights.