Getting trolled by big corporations

Time is money.

This fact is proven and inarguable.

The coupons you waste time clipping, filing, organizing, saving, and using. You're being trolled, because if you used that time more effectively, you'd save more money.

Go ahead, do the math.

I know you fucking idiots love math because you carry calculators. It also tells me you waste time reading stupid shit that is mostly filled with ads anyway. Paying more for less time is always a bargain. Paying full price in 5 minutes usually beats paying a discounted price for 5 hours of work. If you weren't on welfare, and had to actually spend less than 100% of your time being off work, you might learn that.

Those guarantees on the back of all the stupid, cheap, low-cost items you buy?

They're worse than worthless.

Just because you want to be a stubborn cunt and return a 99 cent bag of chips because YOU believe they were "stale" after you opened them on March 1st and just now got around to eating the rest of them. Guess what, moron? All that time you wasted getting trolled by a stupid fucking trollbait company's worthless guarantee to return some piece of shit item and piss off some poor customer service rep? You're the one losing money.

Those people get paid to put up with your stupid idiotic bullshit.

Again, I urge you to do the math. If you were the one working customer service instead of being trolled by corporations, you'd come out ahead.

Either way, you're a worthless sack of shit who isn't doing me any good. I have no criminal record, but there is nothing and certainly no law preventing me from starting the killings at any time.

This is why terrorism is so successful.

Interviewing for a job

A few years ago, I interviewed for a position with a local cable company. Rather than piss you off with my own shitty recollection, I share with you the transcript of the audio recording I secretly took. Some phrases have been edited for clarity.

INTERVIEWER: Thank you for applying with us.
GURUCHILD: Good luck.
INTERVIEWER: ... I beg your pardon?
GURUCHILD: I mean hello.
INTERVIEWER: ... Okay, so, your resume looks great. I'd like to talk with you now about your priorities. Where do you see yourself in our company?
GURUCHILD: In an office.
INTERVIEWER: Why an office?
GURUCHILD: Because I'm an office manager. You know that because you read my resume, and remarked that it was great.
INTERVIEWER: Of course. But I'd like to get a sense of what you have to offer us... as... an office manager. *smirks*
GURUCHILD: Uhm... an office manager. I manage an office...
INTERVIEWER: What... do you do in the office?
GURUCHILD: I manage it.
INTERVIEWER: ... What... the... uh... what exactly do you manage in the office? What do you do? What are your tasks at work?
GURUCHILD: I manage the office, I browse the internet, sip my coffee, take calls, shuffle papers, you know... office management stuff. I know what I'm doing.
INTERVIEWER: *long pause* What would happen, let's say, if you needed to print a document, and there was a problem with the printer. What would you do then?
GURUCHILD: Call... well, whoever it is you people call when things break.
INTERVIEWER: That's not very good management. We... *looks at my resume intently for a few seconds* Okay, you say here that you worked in the late 90s for two separate, now defunct companies and can list no reference nor prove you ever even worked for either company.
GURUCHILD: Mhh hmm...
INTERVIEWER: And for the last 10 years, you've done what?
GURUCHILD: Managed an office!
INTERVIEWER: ... Look, this isn't going to work out. We have your information on file, and if we decide to bring you aboard, we'll give you a call. *stands up and extends hand*
GURUCHILD: So... when can I start?
INTERVIEWER: We'll let you know.
GURUCHILD: When?
INTERVIEWER: When we know.
GURUCHILD: Do you know anything?
INTERVIEWER: Pl... uh... please leave.
GURUCHILD: How sweet. *leaves*