How to poop without fucking up your life

Everybody poops. Some do it with pain. Some die while pooping. You will want to avoid death by poop like so many others haven't!

STEPS

1. Lubricate your pooper well. Use petroleum jelly, anti-bacterial zinc ointment, or eczema cream. (May be difficult if turds or leaky farts have already begun turtleheading or prairie-dogging out the back door. If this happens, record a detailed video and call 911 immediately. Tell the operator that a terrorist attack has occurred on your ass.)

2. Whatever you do, don't force the poop out. Sit down on the toilet gently, naturally, and patiently. Let your body and nature take their course. Allowing the bum muscles to do their thing will help avoid any unnecessary tearing, and will allow the poop to slide out doing minimal damage.

3. Clean yourself up immediately after dropping your deposit into the porcelain bank! The longer the feces has to infest your sore butt and give you cancer and AIDS, the harder it will try. Hypoallergenic moist wipies are best, followed by a gentle pat-dry with soft plain tissues or toilet paper.

TIPS

* If you have open sores on your back door trap, and they don't get better or go away after following this guide, then you may have cancer. Just kidding. The possibility exists, but you must see a doctor or three before you'll get anywhere.

* Don't overdo it! Excessive cleaning measures will make the condition much worse.

* Don't turtlehead a turd for 3 days and then wonder why your southern focus is wrecked beyond belief. Follow the steps above and get this issue taken care of immediately.

* See a doctor. Maybe the last thing in the world you would do, but being sent to the hospital unconscious might force you into a much worse situation.

* Keep your bum clean. Take regular showers, but don't overdo it, and don't scrub the afflicted region too hard. These can make it worse.

* After a shower, and after you've dried off completely, apply petroleum jelly, antibacterial zinc ointment, or eczema cream to the afflicted area before it becomes worse. Prevention is the best strategy. If you are on the mend but not out of the woods, this tip is crucial.

* Consider a humidifier. Cold, dry winter months tend to excacerbate all skin conditions.

WARNINGS

If you see blood clots, blood in the poop itself, or if pooping becomes too excruciating to handle by yourself, seek the help of a medical professional. There are many fine nurse practitioners and doctors out there in clinics and hospitals who deal with far worse on a daily basis, and they can help you.

I originally posted this article on WikiHow, but it'll most likely be deleted by an Indian with a penchant for do-gooding and overzealous bullshittery. Amen.