Guruchild

Jessica Hammond

2012-02-26T09:07:00.002-05:00

She should really google nicknames before stealing them.

Being associated with me can't possibly do anyone any good.

Sick of winter?

2012-02-07T22:17:00.005-05:00

Please do not forget to put a condom on your donkey's dick before attempting to use it as a weapon. Use of the condom will prevent your being charged under an aggravated assault upgrade.

Solving common password annoyances

2012-02-01T12:07:00.005-05:00

So these days, you have to register an account with every single fucking thing you do online. Understandable, by itself, a mildly annoying side effect of a digital world.

But wait. You must choose a password. It must be between 6 and 14 characters, have 1 letter and 1 number, 1 upper case and 1 lower case letter, must be 24 characters long, must not contain a word, must be changed again in 45 minutes, and no special characters.

What the fuck?

So, unless your IQ is 185, you're going to devise your own insecure means by which to remember these passwords, such as writing them down or saving them into a file. Wow, that's fucking secure as shit! Great programming! Stupid mother fucking idiots...

I'm not going to take full credit for what I'm about to tell you, but I'd be wrong not to share this. You don't need passwords that are impossible to remember. You don't need 1000 rules a password must follow. Which makes it far less secure by eliminating possibilities anyway, fucknards. You don't need a special card with all your life's passwords written on it. What you need is a simple solution.

Great yarn joust chemical.

Say what? That's an example of a password or, more precisely, a passphrase that is very secure and easy to remember. Take 3-5 random words, string them together, and you just created a password that maximizes security with remembrance.

Unfortunately, most sites enforce ridiculous password rules, and prevent registrants from selecting such eloquent passwords.

So, go out there and light a fire under their asses and tell them to wisen the fuck up.

I have a yeast infection

2012-01-28T18:25:00.007-05:00

I've been having problems with my anus, as you saw in the previous post. Thought it was hemorrhoids... Two days ago, I had sex with my wife in the morning and then went to work. Clearly something was wrong with my penis. It burned and itched worse than it ever has, and when I pissed at midday., I noticed it was swollen. Badly swollen. I mean, if I knew something wasn't horribly wrong, I'd run around pointing at my junk saying, "HELL YEAH!"

I can't afford a doctor, and I refuse medical treatment for my junques unless there's absolutely no other way. I'm no doctor but I call myself one. So, I've changed my diagnosis from butt tags to yeast infection. Thankfully some of the swelling has gone down, but my penis looks like it survived a nuclear holocaust.

This post is ripe for the picking, and I'm enjoying the wide spectrum of comments I can expect from this subject. Light me up, you fuckers... give it your best shot.

No "It's probably just cancer" bullshit, and certainly no HEHE's or HAHA's or any such trollsome, underbridge nonsense.

UPDATE: I love trolling myself into a 0 comment epic fail situation.

I pooped today

2012-01-22T20:29:00.003-05:00

It ripped my anal fissures open and strained my hemorrhoids again. Each time I shit is worse than the last. I used to wipe to collect excess shit around my anus. Now I do it for bloodloss control.

What is God?

2012-01-16T01:03:00.004-05:00

I believe God is the voice inside your head. I believe it's not just inside me, but in everyone. Except retards and lesser animals. It's that voice you identify as coming from your own brain, and it directs your actions and engages you in a personal dialogue. You trust that it is you with no alterior motives.

Who fucking cares

2011-12-29T14:54:00.000-05:00

No one reads this shit anyway.

North Korea

2011-12-20T23:22:00.012-05:00

Is North Korea dark because they fail to create lights, or because they don't need lights? Lighting up the night is wasteful, disadvantageous, and stupid. Think about night vision, stealth, and deception, just to name a few.

They can purchase anything they want, at any cost. Even at the cost of the lesser half of their own humanity. The west has failed miserably at recognizing that people are not equal. Facades, illusions, delusions, and grand gestures of denial will never defeat this truth. Where do you think trillions of dollars will come from? Keep on fucking. You have no idea the gravity and depth of that concept, but if you are lucky, your grandchildren will repay your favor and remind you.

Anarchy

2011-12-04T22:26:00.011-05:00

Anarchy.

One of those loaded words, instantly inciting emotional responses from all sides.

What is true anarchy?

Anarchy involves dynamic social groups that evolve and dissolve in real time to meet prudent needs. This is true anarchy. Teenagers ranting about "fuck the police" and "fuck mom and dad" is bullshit anarchy. If you're some cocksucking little titsucker, then not-so-kindly fuck off right now. Otherwise, keep reading.

Think about our society. There are authorities, laws, and police. There is also terrorism, murder, rape, and all other unimaginable forms of personal violation. Our archaic system of dealing with unwanted elements is inefficient at best. At worst, it enables those we wish to protect ourselves against.

In a society without government and policing, individuals would be empowered to protect themselves. With great responsibility comes great liability, and inevitably the weak would perish, as they should.

True anarchy involves self-rule and honesty. A society of anarchists would necessarily exist as a more perfect republic. Groups of individuals whom identify as kin support one another, and all transgressions would be handled naturally and punished accordingly.

The illusion of safety

All of the protections outlined to citizens in laws and traditions were created by the weak majority of fear-driven fucktards. They bear nor claim no real responsibility, and oppress the world with their ignorance and stupidity. Through the illusions they create, safety is abused as a comforting bribe. Well played, neanderthals... well played.

Do something good

2011-12-02T18:45:00.006-05:00

In sharp reversal of my previous posts, I am going to say something completely unexpected.

Do something good for someone.

No matter how pissed off you are, no matter how much you fucking hate everyone, just do this once. You'll find it'll help you feel better, if not immediately, then later on.

It's like pay it forward, but without the philosophical system surrounding it.

Girls, phones, and pedophiles

2011-11-26T18:45:00.020-05:00

To the girls

Yes, keep looking at your phone. Don't look at me. Very good... keep walking and pay no attention to the drooling pedophile that is eye-raping regions of your body that you have not even explored yet.

Their heads buried in their phones, they wander aimlessly around the mall, the supermarket, and all the local spots. Completely lost in a reality far removed from the only real one. The one with real pedophiles, who pose a real danger, who stalk and plot in real-time, just feet away from you. No, you will not know one when you see one. And how can you, if you never bother to look?

To the pedophiles

Ignore the ones with their phones safely stowed, as per unwritten instruction, in their tightjeans back pocket. Focus on the ones mashing tiny thumb buttons, lost in their fashion magazine alternate reality. They stray easily. They're slow, disoriented, and disconnected. Easy prey.

I'm definitely not a pedophile. I sincerely apologize to anyone who may have been misled, but I'm making an entirely different point.

About the phones

Pay attention to your surroundings.

Lost as you may be in your happy fun teenaged world of internet phone godlikeness, your physical life and physical body exist in a world that is very much like the hell you think of in your fantasy internet delusion.

Be aware of people who will exploit all of your weaknesses and at least, take advantage of you. At worst, they'll kill you. Maybe after more torment, agony, and breakdown than you have ever known.

Pop your fucking head up and figure out what the fuck you're doing, because from what I've seen, I'm only surprised there aren't more teenagers raped and killed. I said raped and killed, and I fucking meant it.

Think of me as Cecil in Final Fantasy IV. I am one born of the dragon, bearing the darkness and light. I choose good. I know bad. I fly through the Internet, armed with the truth. Wake the fuck up and save yourself.

Bullet Dodging

2011-11-24T19:09:00.011-05:00

I've often thought about the exciting and dangerous ability of a human being to dodge firearm projectiles with any hint of skill.

Rather than focusing on the vast array of complexities in scenarios where bullet dodging would be necessary, I'm going to focus on the specifics of the skill itself. Now, I know you aren't going to recall vast amounts of ordered information in a dire situation such as being shot at, so I'll be brief as possible.

First, what is needed to employ this skill?

someone about to shoot you
high agility and control
extreme mental fortitude
good footwear
good eyesight

And there are undoubtedly more. Obviously, not just any fucktarded sack of shit could walk into something like bullet dodging and escape an epic fail, so I'll speak to the svelte and witted few who are reading this.

Why the fuck would anyone want to do this?

I can think of a few good reasons.

could save your life
highly challenging
is fucking awesome

It wouldn't be intelligent to ignore the cons.

could easily do nothing to save your life
almost impossible to learn from mistakes
highly challenging

Obviously, once aim is set and the trigger is engaged, there's nothing you can do to change your fate. You might react fast enough to alter the course by a few nanometers, and perhaps some fag scientist will pop off with some better information on that.

What you can change is your reaction before the trigger is engaged.

How to play a player

This is where people skills come into play. As I illustrated before, dodging bullets has almost nothing to do with actual bullet dodging. The key is to read your shooter, and react to his physical cues. While a guaranteed dodge is impossible, anything you can do to improve your chances of survival is priceless information.

Watch his aim!

Pay attention to where he is aiming. Read his body language with your natural instincts. When you know he is about to shoot, dodge to either side with all you've got once you see his trigger finger begin to squeeze. Try to land in a position you can easily attempt another evasion from. Do everything you can to find cover or escape with each dodge, and be sure to mentally note the number of successful dodges you achieve, because that shit is fucking godlike bragging rights.

Politics

2011-11-24T00:19:00.002-05:00

I finally understand.

Republicans want 19 people to have 180 billion dollars while everyone else has nothing.

Democrats want everyone to have just barely more than nothing. Except politicians, of course.

Independents are just idiots.

Third party people are even bigger idiots.

Giving "power" to the people was a brilliant move by the founders... now everyone has one useless vote and no power.

Background radiation

2011-11-22T22:46:00.004-05:00

The danger in socially interacting with the Internet as humans lies in that it depends entirely upon our physical presence and attention.

Technology is improving. People are not.

There are more people suffering now than ever before. Billions of them. Billions of lives. Individual experiences, each reflecting your ability to have your own experiences. Not one of these people deserves to suffer.

There are many doomsday scenarios involving the conquering of our world by machines and computers. This prophecy will come true.

It seems everyone on earth does have a common goal. We dutifully aim to create and support the next apex of the food chain. A botnet consuming vast power will generate and broadcast millions of fuckabytes of useless, chaotic, random data and flood the universe with garbage at our expense.

I've often wondered what "background radiation" really is...

Religious bullshit

2011-11-22T19:22:00.003-05:00

I rely on my brain to create my world. This remarkable organ collapses the chaotic universe within my existence into models and symbols that make sense to me. Through my studies in art, I have learned that the brain is always right. It tells me when something is wrong, false, or imperfect. Through my decades of rumination, I have come to understand certain undeniable truths.

There is no singular, absolute universe. Consciousness is the creation of a single universe, by a single being, within the sea of entwined universes. This is the collective conscious experience of all sentient beings. Humans are not the only beings capable of this feat as several animal species, such as chimpanzees, dolphins, elephants, and crows are indeed sentient. Such beings, and possibly many others, have brains which are complex enough to reach a theoretical threshold for collapsing the ambient multiverse of existence into a unique personal instance; the conscious.

In similar manner, sentient brains create God. This maligned concept is the source of all human love and hate. God is not singular. It is created by all who conceptualize its existence within their own tangle of the overall entwinement. God is pure love because it is not only incapable of hate, but absolutely immune to it. Anyone who claims anything against this revelation of truth is wrong. No belief or religious concept can defeat this truth. You will know this for yourself if you've discovered it within yourself, as I have for myself.

Humans create hatred, evil, misunderstanding, and all sources of a hell that, much like God, have been largely maligned by sentient minds. No God of pure love would create eternal punishment for those who did not discover the truth about love during their lifetime because death is the eternal heaven of pure bliss. Many scores of beings have sought to achieve a lasting bliss in life on earth. Sadly, this impossible objective can only be achieved in the bliss that is death.

Think about it...

Free mother fucking speech

2011-11-21T23:51:00.004-05:00

Free, god-damned, cock sucking, animal fucking, women raping, African genocidal assfucking speech. Fuck muslims, jews, niggers, crackers, all spics, spoks, spooks, sponks, spinks, and all spizzardwaldlars, chinks, japs, nips, nooks, gooks, goks, wops, wombats, or whatever the fuck they're called and how the fuck ever many of them there are.

Fuck anyone else I forgot to mention. I'm sure you're just as fucking retarded as the rest of them.

Interviewing for a job

2011-11-21T23:22:00.003-05:00

A few years ago, I interviewed for a position with a local cable company. Rather than piss you off with my own shitty recollection, I share with you the transcript of the audio recording I secretly took. Some phrases have been edited for clarity.

INTERVIEWER: Thank you for applying with us.
GURUCHILD: Good luck.
INTERVIEWER: ... I beg your pardon?
GURUCHILD: I mean hello.
INTERVIEWER: ... Okay, so, your resume looks great. I'd like to talk with you now about your priorities. Where do you see yourself in our company?
GURUCHILD: In an office.
INTERVIEWER: Why an office?
GURUCHILD: Because I'm an office manager. You know that because you read my resume, and remarked that it was great.
INTERVIEWER: Of course. But I'd like to get a sense of what you have to offer us... as... an office manager. *smirks*
GURUCHILD: Uhm... an office manager. I manage an office...
INTERVIEWER: What... do you do in the office?
GURUCHILD: I manage it.
INTERVIEWER: ... What... the... uh... what exactly do you manage in the office? What do you do? What are your tasks at work?
GURUCHILD: I manage the office, I browse the internet, sip my coffee, take calls, shuffle papers, you know... office management stuff. I know what I'm doing.
INTERVIEWER: *long pause* What would happen, let's say, if you needed to print a document, and there was a problem with the printer. What would you do then?
GURUCHILD: Call... well, whoever it is you people call when things break.
INTERVIEWER: That's not very good management. We... *looks at my resume intently for a few seconds* Okay, you say here that you worked in the late 90s for two separate, now defunct companies and can list no reference nor prove you ever even worked for either company.
GURUCHILD: Mhh hmm...
INTERVIEWER: And for the last 10 years, you've done what?
GURUCHILD: Managed an office!
INTERVIEWER: ... Look, this isn't going to work out. We have your information on file, and if we decide to bring you aboard, we'll give you a call. *stands up and extends hand*
GURUCHILD: So... when can I start?
INTERVIEWER: We'll let you know.
GURUCHILD: When?
INTERVIEWER: When we know.
GURUCHILD: Do you know anything?
INTERVIEWER: Pl... uh... please leave.
GURUCHILD: How sweet. *leaves*

Wikipedia fundraiser

2011-11-21T18:20:00.006-05:00

A letter I sent to donations@wikimedia.org today:

I like wikipedia. I use it often, and I've learned much from using it over the years. I've even pitched in a minor correction or fixed a typo on occasion. For those, I thank your organization.

Now for the unsavory part, to be fair.

Asking to raise $17.5 million by year's end, for what? I've seen this before.

Carefully disguised in a bunch of fluffy words and pages and dishonest pleas, you almost cover up your greed... almost. Searching out the information to verify that what I suspected was true, I found it on the Frequently Asked Questions page...

"HELPS FUND STAFF SALARIES"

I saw the pictures of your employees. Bunch of young, pretty, well-to-do types. Don't do anything, just sit around in an office, shuffling papers and clicking links, making appearances at useless events when summoned. Yeah, yeah.

Well let me tell you pompous, gall-saturated, mindless lemmings something. I literally work my ass off. I work full time, often overtime, and I still cannot pay for all the basic necessities in life. I'm not talking about cell phone service or internet, either. I'm talking about rent, electric, and food.

Give you people millions of dollars to do what thousands could do. I've never ran the world's #5 site, but I have ran the world's #1000 site. Before you start smirking and sipping your overpriced coffee in smug superiority, I have one word for you: scalability. I know how much money you need to run your operation, I know how much power and bandwidth you need. You lie to the very people you're stealing money from! "Oh, our site is so big, it's so complex, we have this many servers and this many people to run it all, its so big, it costs so much, we are scared of ads!"

BULLSHIT! Bullshit, bullshit, BULLSHIT!

So how much do you make to be a whining, email-trashing waste of space?

Sincerely,
Guruchild

P.S. FUCK YOU!

Utopian dystopia

2011-11-20T14:51:00.003-05:00

This fucking world pisses me off so badly that I just want to sneak out at night and start ripping up any unsuspecting people I find with various machinery.

Nearly everything humans do is WRONG. From the global level down to local, everything these fucking idiots do is harmful. They hurt themselves, their families, their friends, society, and humanity through their mindless toilings during their meaningless lives.

We are not progressing towards utopia. We are already living in a hellish world, propogating our stupidity and perpetually raising the bar of human suffering to exponential heights. We are spiraling downward further still.

Instead of trudging along in a barbaric world of massive oil rapeage, performing our stupid traditions, mentally devoid, performing all the daily tasks that make our lives, we should be doing something important. Something good.

Utopia exists. It is a world in my mind, and I have learned much of this realm by the omnipresence of a very opposite world; Earth. Opposites create one another.

Perhaps the most surprising thing I've learned is that we can be a world with high technology and old-time ideals and values of respecting all forms of life, the land, the air, and the water.

We can do it all without government. We did, for thousands of years before history came along. The reason why this system failed is because utopia is realized only the second time around. Tribes and groups began to encounter one another. Lack of centralization or higher authorities caused chaos and death. Isolated tribes fell out of the industrial revolution loop, and "fell behind."

This is where we all began to fall behind. Misguided by illusions created by the art of industry and the almighty dollar.

Some of us are awake now. I see utopia in my mind, therefore it is real. I have no optimism for you fucking sheep, but I hold on to all that I have.

My friend, Thomas

2011-11-20T11:09:00.005-05:00

Let me tell you about my friend, Thomas Gandhi.

Thomas has severe bathroom disorders, several minor retardations, and severe social dysfunction. Everything he says and does involves shit, anuses, rectums, or bathroom "activities."

He is, however, a highly gifted clairvoyant. This strange ability leads to my next segment...

Thomas: "Guruchild roasts his pubic hairs into an ash pile and uses it as seasoning"

I've never told Thomas that I use my pubic hair ashes for seasoning. There is no way he could have learned this fact. This leads to one possible conclusion: Thomas also roasts his pubic hairs into an ash pile and uses it as seasoning!

This is bullshit. I can't even enjoy my own ass potatoes, or pubic rice anymore, knowing this fucker is out there, spicing up his meals with his own burnt pubic hair.

I would say peace out here, but I hate almost everyone, especially you.